All I want to do is drink and get high. Fuck. Not an every day kind of thing, but I look forward to it. And I don't want to be like that. But, it is fun while watching the first season of The OC. lol

I am sooo stoked for this weekend. I'm going to Big Bear with Noel, and I'm trying snowboarding. It should be entertaining haha

I have finals tomorrow and Thursday, and I just don't want to study. I have, but not as much as I should. I'm just so burnt out this semester, oh well. This was a really shitty past few months, I'm looking forward to having a month off of school, working more and saving money, and starting fresh next semester. I'll get my shit straight, I just had to deal with some unexpected life changes this semester. And that's not just an excuse.

I've gone through so many different phases and emotions lately but I like where I'm at right now, for the most part. I will always be sad about it, but lately I'm just mostly angry and disappointed. He's an idiot for letting me go, and when he realizes that he can go fuck himself. I never thought he was capable of hurting me how he has. This will only make me stronger, he's the one who will be sorry in the end.

Yep, now that that's off my mind, time to study!

We haven't talked in almost three weeks. And I don't know exactly how to explain the way I feel. I haven't cried in awhile. I try to, but I can't. I'm extremely sad, but I think my mind is just so tired of it that it almost doesn't phase me anymore. I really feel like I'm living a new life, in a world where he doesn't exist. It feels so fucking weird, and super shitty but I mean, this is all his decision. And I tried to fight back at it and he just turned me away so why should I keep dwelling? He's the one throwing away 5 years, not me. As lonely as I am, I KNOW eventually, however long that may be, he will realize how huge of a mistake he made. I wonder where I'll be when he comes to that realization. For the meantime, I am working on me. Making me happy, counting on me and only me, it's really refreshing actually to finally accept all of this and not feel like I'm going to die without him. It's a lose-lose situation for him. If this is the new him, I want to be nowhere near him. Why would I want to be with someone who, though not purposely, made me doubt myself, feel insecure, feel like I always had to impress him. I'm so mad at myself for ever thinking HE was better than ME, simply because he always pulled the "christian" card. I know how loving and caring of a person I am. I guess I should take the hint if none of my friends or family like him. It's really sad, considering I spent 5 years on him. Oh, the future is so scary.

I feel like I'm going crazy. Some moments I feel strong, and some just so weak. I know this will pass. But for the time being, I am SO fucking tired of dreaming about him. Every night. There is no escape :(

We have been broken up for 6 weeks. Which isn't a long time but to me it feels like forever. And it's only the beginning. I hate not knowing what will happen. Five fucking years, of being so in love and happy, gone. And now I'm all alone to fend for myself. No one to tell I love you too. No one to kiss and hold. No one to talk to when cuddling in bed. No one to laugh and joke around with. It's so cruel. To go from all of that to nothing. I am so tired of being weak, and crying all the time, and being depressed. I know it's pathetic sounding, but I can't help it. Trust me, I would love to be able to not give a fuck and "move on" like people make it sound so easy to do. We were eachothers first and only everything. That's why this is so hard to deal with. So many thoughts and scenarios running through my head all the time that I can't concentrate in class, at work, it's interfering with everything. He says he's been slightly depressed, he has no idea what I'm going through. He did this. He's going to ruin us. All I want is him. We were doing so fucking good, and I was so proud to be celebrating 5 years, and then it was taken away. I was doing so good for awhile and feeling strong, but after our talk on Monday I feel like I did in the beginning. I don't want to eat. I don't want to do anything but sleep. The moment I wake up my heart is racing and I feel sick. Because it's another day I have to deal with on my own. I just can't understand how we can feel so different, yet we were in the same relationship, and I had no idea he was feeling like this until recently. I'm tired of writing about the same things. And I'm scared because he is not replaceable. I will never get over him. "Move on", yes, eventually. But I'll always feel resentful that he left me and someone else will take my place. How could I ever trust anyone again? Love again? I have so much to offer but he's ruined me. Anytime I've been upset he's the one to make me feel better. And now he tells me he can't help me and it feels so awful. I feel so helpless. It's ridiculous, how weak I am right now. So many questions, and no answers.

I want nothing more than to wake up from this nightmare. How can I ever trust or love again? I never want to, it's not worth how excruciating this is.

Saw Austin at the gym today, and when we left he kissed me. Life, you are too confusing for me. I had an awesome night with my girls. We went to Kona Grill, had some wine, and talked about everything. I feel like I've changed a lot lately, and I like it. I always stress about everything, and as shitty as work/school/relationships are right now, I'm pretty care free. What's the point in worrying? I'd rather just keep trying harder until I get what I want. I love this new outlook on life :) I guess it's something that's really needed to happen eventually. I don't even know if I'm sad anymore. I just feel confident, and I love it.

A life without love, isn't living.

This is the first time in over a week I've felt emotional. All I want is my love back. With everything else in my life being so hectic, he was the one thing I looked forward to. I love being in love, it made me so damn happy. I want nothing more right now than to go with him to blockbuster and rent a movie, get some bagel bites from albertsons and go cuddle. :( That's all I want.

Man oh man.. We met up at starbucks last night, talked in my car for two hours, made out :/ AAAAAH I want my love back. He said he needs to figure himself out. And I understand that but why can't we be together :( I gave him the letter I wrote him, and I list of everything I love about him/us. Seeing him, being with him, holding him, makes me sad all over again. Like I'm back at point A. We can't be over with, there's no way. Not with a love like ours, it just can't be possible, right?

Last night was so much fun. Went downtown to Fremont St. and met up with friends at the Griffin. I finally found a bar I like! Then we went on a journey for deep fried oreos, but it was too late and they were'nt making them anymore :( Went to some bar/casino called Mermaids, and Rosa put a quarter in a slot and made $10 haha There are some fucking weird people downtown.

And tonight, BINGO!! I'm so excited :) Byyye

I wish I could be here for him, but there's not much I can do. We're going to meet up Thursday night and get some tea. I know he doesn't want to say it because he's still confused about this all, but I might have to make the decision for him. If he's going to date other people, there will never be a me and him getting back together. :( It breaks my heart even more thinking about it, but I would be disrespecting myself if I allowed that. It's a LOT to be giving up. It's all I've ever known. I hope he realizes it's not worth it. I wish I had better, more postive things to write about than this. But, it's my life right now. I wish I could change it :(

I feel myself getting sick, I just feel groggy and ugh. And I don't have time to be sick!

Bio 197 test tomorrow, and Bio 196 test Thursday, which I have yet to study for :/ I need to get awaaaaay. Newport please?

Well, last night was pretty crazy.
I had a party, the house was all decked out in blacklights and candles, it looked good. I didn't know how many people would show up, but shit there were wat too many. It was cool until groups of fucking kids I don't even know started coming in, and it started getting loud so I didn't know if I should've started telling people to leave. Everything was cool until some drama with my friend and these two guys that like her, which ended up with them trying to fight in my front yard, and one of the guys telling me he was going to smash all of the windows in my house when I told him to leave my fucking house. Seriously, that's why I can't stand those kids. Because they are KIDS. When are they going to grow up and start going to parties to chill, and not have to fight about the smallest shit. So all the kids I didn't know started leaving after screaming and making so much noise in front of my house, and I see a cop roll up my street, so I ran inside, told everyone to shut the fuck up haha And nothing ended up happening. I am pissed though that someone went in my closet and stole my vodka, I'm done with parties. I got about 3 hours of sleep so I could clean up. I am so damn tired. And I miss Austin :( It's so weird hanging out with everyone and him not being there. We haven't talked in a week, and I hate it. Tomorrow is going to be one year since his dad passed away, so I'll talk to him then. I have so much to study it's not even funny.

I saw Austin at the gym tonight, and I dont know if he didn't see me or if he pretended not to. The past few days I've been better but then tonight I started criying again and feeling so down about it all. After 5 years how can this be happening? But, I'm sticking to what I told myself. If he dates or does anything with anyone else, I will never take him back. How could I? If our relationship meant anything to him he should at least respect me enough to either just go on with his life or partake in mine. Not think he can go do whatever he wants and if, and I quote him, "I am the one Jesus wants for him and he is the one Jesus wants for me", then we'll end up back together. Um, I think it's more than obvious we're meant for eachother and maybe he shouldn't ignore blessings he already has in his life. I am trusting God to do what's best for me in my life, but seriously Austin, wake the fuck up. He's so cocky, so stubborn, so selfish. Being a Christian does not automatically make you a good person. He thinks because he didn't cheat on me he's not an asshole. I can't help that whenever we sit down and talk I get really upset and cry, I'm losing the most important thing in my life right now, not an easy thing to handle. And he tells me that I just want him to feel bad like I do, and that "misery loves company". He's cruel. And as sad as I am every day, I might think I hate him for doing this to me. Again. And if he came back right now, I don't think I would take him back. I don't know if I know this person he's turned into the past month.

ANYWAYS I've been able to focus on school more, which is super boring but something that has to be done. All I do is work and go to school :( But tomorrow is pumpking carving with Stef, Rosa, Noel and Louise. Friday is Halloween Hangover at gameworks, and Saturday is Halloween and my halloween party :) So I guess there are good things to look forward to. Time to drink my wine and study some bio.

Tomorrow would be our 5 year anniversary. I was so excited for it. I had to cross it off my calendars :( Fucking sucks. Can it just be Tuesday please?

Mama went out of town so I had a party last night, it turned out pretty good. I invited Austin, because we share the same friends and I wasn't going to invite everyone he knows and not him, and we're not angry or anything at eachother. The night got shitty for me though after a few drinks when I realized I couldn't hug or kiss him. Seriously, this doesn't feel like its really happening. I'm not going to date, ever. I'm going to take this time to focus on school and seeing my friends more. But I really do wonder if I'm ever going to be happy again. Because if we don't get back together eventually, I know I'm not going to get over it. We've shared too much for me to be able to just "move on". And I feel like people don't understand our relationship. I'm 21, I'm young, I get it, but I just as capable of loving somebody the same as someone who's been married for 20 years. I hate that I can't just text or call him when I'm off work, that he doesn't come over every night, that I don't get any more kisses. That we can't go shopping, get something to eat, go to blockbuster. That I can't go see our friend play at open mic night this week because he'll be there. This hurts more than anything I've ever felt. And it's so confusing because he says how weird it is for him, and how much he loves me. Then why the fuck is this happening? I hate that I don't know what is going to happen, how long this will last. I can only keep my mind occupied for so long until I think about it and then I'm just sad again. I've cried every day for the past two weeks. I want to be my happy self again. I want my love and my life back.

Seriously, can't I just fall asleep and wake up when everything's okay, when he realizes I AM the one, that our love is rare and being single sucks and we're meant for eachother? That this kind of relationship is irreplaceable?  Please wake me up because this is killing me :(

I'm tired of talking and thinking about it. I like to pretend this is a nightmare and it will eventually end. I don't want to get my hopes up, but if loves me like he says he does, if he's in love with me like he says he is, then he'll be back. As much as I fucking hate this, this space is necessary. I need to learn to depend on only myself, and he needs to learn that being single is not all it's made out to be, and what we have is something some people will never find in their lifetime. I feel confident about this. We're going to keep in touch. I accidentally called him baby and he said it's okay for me too. I'm too sad to change his name from Baby to Austin in my phone :( Is this really happening? Someone please wake me up.

Austin broke up with me last night. Over the phone. Our 5 year anniversary is next week. And I'm fucking trying to keep myself together but it's so hard. We were doing so good. I love him so unbelievably much, I can't understand why this has to happen. I thought we would stay together and eventually get married. But I guess not everyone gets what they wish for. I have an exam today that I couldn't study for and I got 3 hours of sleep. He's ignoring my calls and I feel so fucking low. Why can't two people just love eachother and be happy, why can't that be enough? I'm nauseous and hungry but I have no appetite. I'm exhausted but it's too hard to sleep. This seriously feels like a nightmare and I just want to wake up and have everything to be like it was.

My mom is cleaning the house and listening to Minus the Bear :) I love it. The weather has been absolutely beautiful, especially today. You forget how nice it can get in Vegas. I looooove October, it's my favorite month. Brand New is coming, mine and Austin's FIVE year anniversary, Halloween, Fall, best month ever :)

So, school is taking over my life, and even with all the studying I'm doing, the tests are kicking my ass :/ I've been staying home every night, haven't seen my friends in weeks. But I have been putting a lot of more effort into working out. 3 spin classes this week! I hope I can stick to it and not get lazy. And Austin and I are back to normal, everythings how it should be :) I hope it was a just a freak out moment. Time to study, more and get some sleep.

Life isn't fair. I thought things were going PERFECT. I had no idea he was feeling this way, and I don't know how to handle it. I love him SO much, more than anyone ever could. Why do people have to go looking for more when they already have everything? I never thought I would have to deal with this again, or least pretended it wouldn't. I just can't understand why. He's my bestfriend. We've shared things I don't want to and will not share with someone else. I don't believe that you can love more than one person in a lifetime, I just don't. I'm so fucking scared. And I've felt sick all day thinking about it. I feel like I'm in this horrible nightmare and I just want to wake up and have things be great like they were. I hope he realizes that we have something a lot of people go looking for and never find. I don't know what I would do without him :(